Harry Python
by marix
Summary: This is a Challenge Story from the harrypotterbetafanfiction e-mail group. It is quite strange. Probably could have been a PG rating...I just wanted to be on the safe side.


Disclaimer: Nothing's mine
* * Disclaimer: Nothing's mine. 

A/N: This is a challenge fic from the harrypotterbetafanfiction email group:

*Make the story be held in the last year of Hogwarts for our favorite characters, Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, Draco Malfoy, Hermione Granger and the rest of the seventh year group and teachers**.**

*Plot must deal with Voldemort's return and death.

*Someone reveals their deepest desire to someone totally unexpected.

*Last word mentioned in the story is: "Scar." 

* Harry Python

On the morning of his graduation from Hogwarts, Harry Potter woke up with a sense of foreboding. Pressing one hand to his forehead, he staggered down to the Gryffindor common room, where all his friends were gathered. "My scar hurts," he said.

Hermione sighed.

Ron groaned.

Neville looked ready to burst into tears.

Seamus laughed. "I told you! Pay up!"

Hermione, Ron and Neville each pulled out a galleon and handed it to the still-gloating boy. "What's going on?" asked Harry.

"W-w-w-we bet Seamus that you w-w-w-wouldn't ruin our last year at Hogwarts," Neville sobbed.

"Really, Harry," said Hermione, sounding exasperated, "Isn't it enough that you've faced Voldemort every year for the past six years? Why can't you just give it a rest for once and let us graduate in peace?"

"Stupid prat," sulked Ron. "Couldn't you just have waited one more day? Then we'd have a nice graduation and I'd have two galleons instead of none." He glowered at Seamus who was gleefully polishing his new found wealth.

"Ermaybe it's just a regular headache" mumbled Harry. His friends rolled their eyes. Harry trudged out of Gryffindor and over to Dumbledor's office. "My scar hurts," stated Harry.

"Bloody hell, Potter!" exclaimed Dumbledor, "Now I owe Snape five galleons!"

"Sorry, Sir," murmured Harry as he slunk from the office. He had just started to walk to Hagrid's cottage in hopes of finding a more sympathetic friend, when he noticed that there was a strange noise emanating from a nearby copse of trees. Maybe there's a giant spider in there who will eat me,' Harry thought as he went to investigate, Put me out of my misery, at least.' He pushed his way into the clearing, then stopped abruptly. "Argh! My eyes!" he screamed in horror, "This wasn't some kind of bet, was it? Please tell me it wasn't!"

"Don't be ridiculous, Harry," Ginny said, blushing. "He was just helping megather some herbs for Potions," she squeaked.

"And you were sitting on him, why?!?" Harry squawked. 

Draco Malfoy stood up and buttoned his pants. His shirt was ripped beyond repair, so he just left it on the ground. "You're too clever for us by half, Potter," he sneered. "We weren't really gathering herbs. Actually, when we heard that Voldemort would be coming to graduation, Ginny and I realized that this might be our last chance, so we decided to make the most of it. No one wants to die a virgin, you know." He leered at Ginny, who blushed as red as her hair.

"I'll be scarred for life," mumbled Harry as he staggered away from the copse. 

Harry walked around in a fog for the rest of the day. His best friends hated himhis teachers were making bets about himand as for Draco and Ginny, well, he didn't even want to think about that. When Voldemort finally arrived, he just didn't care anymore. "Go ahead, blast me into oblivion," he said.

Voldemort was taken aback. "What?!? I can't just blast you," he said.

"Why not?"

"Well, I have to make some long dramatic speeches, use some elaborate schemesomething like that" he finished lamely.

"Why? I just want it over with. No one would be sad to see me go, anyway."

Voldemort just stood there silently.

"Aren't you going to kill me?" cried Harry.

The Dark Lord looked distinctly embarrassed. "I'd really rather not," he admitted.

"What?!? What kind of Evil Sorcerer are you!" exclaimed Harry.

"That's just the thing," Voldemort confided, "I never wanted to be an Evil Sorcerer. I wanted to bea Lumberjack! Leaping from tree to tree as they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia!"

"Er" said Harry, interrupting before Voldemort's speech could get out of control, "So what's stopping you?" Voldemort blinked in shock. "Why don't you just run off and become a lumberjack?"

"You're absolutely right!" exclaimed Voldemort. "There's no reason I shouldn't! You know, you really are a nice boy. I'm sorry I tried to kill you."

"You're not so bad yourself, Voldie," responded Harry.

The Dark Lord frowned. "That may be a good name for an Evil Sorcerer, but it really doesn't fit a lumberjackWhat would be a good name?"

"Paul Bunyan?" ventured Harry.

"Brilliant! From this day forward, Lord Voldemort is dead! I am now Paul Bunyan!" vowed the lumberjack. 

Then Paul took Harry out for ice-cream. As they talked, they discovered that they actually had a lot in common. They both liked Australian Rules football, blue-raspberry slurpees, chia pets, and Disney movies.

"So," Harry asked the lumberjack formerly known as Voldemort, after finishing his enormous sundae, "Who's your favorite Disney character?"

Paul pondered that for a minute. "Princess Jasmine," he stated, "and you?"

Harry grinned. "Scar."

A/N: I know, technically, Voldemort didn't die. Oh well. I just bent the rules a little. Please R/R. I know the story's strange...I hope it was amusing.


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